This morning I had the good fortune to get together with a bunch of gals to run the trails. I needed the outing more than ever.
I have noticed though I’ve been very touchy this past week or so. (I’m quite sure my better half would agree). This Thursday I had incredible rage and sadness wash over me before and after my Gatehouse group. I went to a place in my mind I was afraid to be and with the safety of my group was able to verbally express these thoughts. I felt a kind of scary rage, the kind where you’re not thinking rationally….but it’s just a mask for the sadness and hurt that needs my attention. I was so upset when I left one of the facilitators came to be sure I was fit to drive home and talk before leaving. I totally just wanted to bolt, but part of the process is sitting with it and learning how to communicate.
After talking it through, shame reared it’s ugly presence. I am not used to safely expressing anger, it just was not allowed for me as a kid. It wasn’t safe to express this, therefore much of it became internal and sometimes when that comes out, it gets very messy.
This morning I had a challenging interaction with my boy who called me a bad word. His bad mood was partly normal boy, and partly just him being quirky and he is super-sensitive and gets overloaded very easily. I found myself feeling pretty inadequate as a parent, but also aware that my caution and desire to be non-confrontational isn’t doing anything for him learning and reducing defiance…he plays me like a fiddle.
Truth: I have been contemplating a lot these past days. I don’t want to go out, I want to retreat inside the darkness where it is ugly….but that’s not going to help. Also I have been downright sulking. My inner child is learning how to COMPLAIN. I’ve never been a big complainer but it seems I am testing it out and it feels a bit awkward.
I entered a room Thursday and the first thing that came out of me was complaint. It took over the room and soon everyone wanted me to vent it out. Also same thing this morning at my run….blah blah blah whine whine whine….I really should be happy with the day and happy with the run ahead but it’s like the score-keeping child says “This is NO fair”. I am aware and will get it in check, but for now I’m just trying to be nice to me.
Bear with me, my personality is under construction!
I am grateful today for good friends, running, my husband and beautiful kids, and that school starts in one week. I am also grateful for the space to heal myself, a journey that involves a lot of people, but ultimately only I can accomplish.
This is definitely worth the time to reflect on the beauty that is present daily, that we so often forget. Take a look: